You Got Mail!
by SynethesiaTastesGrey
Summary: A series of emails written by the characters. Samples taken from the Emails thread on the Karen Chance Fans group on Goodreads. com.
1. Chapter 1

To:John Pritkin

From: Karen Chance Fanclub

Subject:We love you!

Dear John,  
We're a book club on a website called Goodreads, and we got your email off your biographer and we find you really inspiring. We just want to tell you how romantic and touching your relationship with Cassie is, and to express our sincere condolences for that horrible incident with your wife. We know you were completely blameless in the whole affair. Also, while we love the books of your life, could you maybe give the author a little more detail? Say in the shower scenes? And what it was like to be in Cassie's body? And, if you were to feel able to give any details about your feelings about her, we'd really appreciate it.  
We are your biggest fans! :D  
The Karen Chance fans.  
P.S. we really would love some pictures of you. Preferably naked, but we understand if you don't feel comfortable with that at this early stage in our relationship, we can totally work our way up to it.


	2. Chapter 2

To:Cassie Palmer

From:John Pritkin

Subject:Haha. Sarcasm.

Seriously? I know that ridiculous email was from you and it wasn't even remotely funny. You're Pythia now. Grow up, for God's sake! And "romantic and touching"? "Details of my feelings"? What the HELL? If you need to talk to me about something, say it to my face, but this pathetic roundabout bull is just really, really pissing me off.


	3. Chapter 3

To: John Pritkin

From: Cassie Palmer

Subject: re:Haha. Sarcasm.

What the hell yourself? I haven't sent any emails, you douche, when would I have had time! These days, I'm either being chased over snow capped mountains by a complete maniac (you, btw) being possessed or being sewed into some kind of iron maiden disguised as a dress! You grow up.


	4. Chapter 4

To: Cassie Palmer

From: John Pritkin

Subject: re:re:Haha. Sarcasm.

So you didn't send me this:  
_  
Dear John,  
We're a book club on a website called Goodreads, and we got your email off your biographer and we find you really inspiring. We just want to tell you how romantic and touching your relationship with Cassie is, and to express our sincere condolences for that horrible incident with your wife. We know you were completely blameless in the whole affair. Also, while we love the books of your life, could you maybe give the author a little more detail? Say in the shower scenes? And what it was like to be in Cassie's body? And, if you were to feel able to give any details about your feelings about her, we'd really appreciate it.  
We are your biggest fans! :D  
The Karen Chance fans.  
P.S. we really would love some pictures of you. Preferably naked, but we understand if you don't feel comfortable with that at this early stage in our relationship, we can totally work our way up to it_


	5. Chapter 5

To: John Pritkin

From:Cassie Palmer

Subject: re:re:re:Haha. Sarcasm.

No I did not! God, Pritkin, that is the creepiest thing I have ever read in my life. I wouldn't send something like that. Besides, I see you enough without pictures.


	6. Chapter 6

To: John Pritkin

From: Karen Chance Fans

Hey there John,  
It's been a couple of weeks since we wrote you and we're getting kind of worried that maybe you forgot about us or something. Or if you're busy, we totally understand.  
Um, write back soon!(please)  
The Karen Chance Fans  
PS. Please don't forget those pictures!

PPS: It'd be really nice if you signed a few.

* * *

**A/N: So far all these emails are the ones written by me, but there are many other hilarious ones by other KC lovers over on Goodreads which I advise you check out! Hopefully, I'll eventually be able to post all of them here. But in the meanwhile, if you want to have some fun discussing Karen Chance, come join us (by discussion I mean posting pictures of semi-naked male models and arguing over which character they look most like) **


	7. Chapter 7

To: Cassie Palmer

From: John Pritkin

Subject: re: Haha. Sarcasm.

Crap. It must be Jonas. He sent me another one, and it's getting worse. God only knows what he thinks he's doing!


	8. Chapter 8

To: John Pritkin

From: Cassie Palmer

Subject: re: Haha. Sarcasm.

Uh, wait, the _Karen Chance_ fans?


	9. Chapter 9

To: Cassie Palmer

From: John Pritkin

Subject: re: Haha. Sarcasm.

I'm going to hate this, amn't I?


	10. Chapter 10

To: John Pritkin

From: Cassie Palmer

Subject:re: Haha. Sarcasm.

Have you ever read "Touch the Dark" or maybe "Claimed by Shadow" by Karen Chance?

* * *

To: Cassie Palmer

From: John Pritkin

Subject:re: Haha. Sarcasm.

Why would I read chicklit?

* * *

To: John Pritkin

From: Cassie Palmer

Subject: re: Haha. Sarcasm.

Apparently, it's actually urban fantasy. And I suggest you read them.

* * *

_2 days later_

_

* * *

_

To: Cassie Palmer

From: John Pritkin

Subject: Don't Know What to Say

I literally do not know what to say.

* * *

**As you can see I got bored of uploading them email by email. **


	11. Chapter 11

To: John Pritkin

From: Karen Chance Fans

Subject: Hello?

Hi John,  
Us again. We were starting to wonder if we had the wrong address, but Karen Chance said this is definitely the right one, so please do write back, we're desperate! I mean if it helps, there are at least 100 women in the club who are totally into you, if you get our drift. And we talked about it, no one has problem with the whole incubus-feeding thing. Kind of an unmissable opportunity, right? Right?  
Lots of love,  
The Karen Chance Fans  
PS. How about those pictures?


	12. Chapter 12

To: John Pritkin

From: Cassie Palmer

Subject: re:Don't know what to say.

Scary shit, isn't it? I don't think anyone else knows about them, but it's only a matter of time. Perhaps you could have a little chat with this Chance woman?

* * *

To: Cassie Palmer

From: John Pritkin

Subject:re:re:Don't know what to say.

But, does this mean the fan thing is real? The books aren't even about me, they're about you! And your vampire. Why am I the only sucker getting stalker mail? And what the hell am I supposted to do about them? If I reply, they'll only get worse!

* * *

To: John Pritkin

From: Cassie Palmer

Subject: re:re:re:Don't know what to say.

Look, don't panic. If you deal with Chance, I'll deal with them, okay? And for what it's worth, having read those books, I kinda felt like stalking you as well.  
x Cassie.

* * *

To: Cassie Palmer

From: John Pritkin

Subject:re:re:re:re:Don't know what to say.

It's a deal, but huh? What are you talking about?

* * *

To: John Pritkin

From: Cassie Palmer

Subject: re:re:re:re:re:Don't know what to say.

No comment. Just sort this Chance woman out before she gets another publishing contract.


	13. Chapter 13

To: Karen Chance Fans

From: Cassie Palmer

Subject:Back off.

Listen up, bitches.

Okay, you've read the books, you're crazy enough to believe them and you're dumb enough to actually try to contact Pritkin. I read those emails you sent, and they were the creepiest, most pathetic thing I've ever read. You're freaking the poor guy out, and if you've read the books than you know, he's sworn to my service. I have a claim on him, not you. There's no way he'll ever have anything to do with you, so you know what, give it up. If you keep bothering him, timeline or no, I'll obliterate you. You've seen what I'd do for him. Don't think I wouldn't.  
Get a life, losers!  
Lady Cassandra, Pythia


	14. Chapter 14

To: Karen Chance

From: John Pritkin

Subject: Stop

We both know who we are, so let's not bother with the pretences. I don't know how you get your information and I don't really care. Just stop writing. Or at least change the names, for crying out loud! Now, I'm pretty sure you had enough sense to store certain facts about both of us as insurance, so I'm not going to threaten you. But I want you to think about this: every word you put on paper endangers Cassie's life. You know what I'd do for her. If she dies, it's you I'm coming for, insurance or no insurance.


	15. Chapter 15

**This chapter is all written by the fabulous Mel of Goodreads! Enjoy! **

**

* * *

**

To: Jonas Marsden

From: John Pritkin

Subject: Pythia training

Jonas, I thought you said you would give me a regular update on your training with the Pythia? I haven't heard of anything from you and frankly I wonder if there is any progress at all. She seems to be active enough to hang out with the vampires all night.  
Are you getting anything done?

* * *

To: John Pritkin

From: Jonas Marsden

Subject: re: Pythia training

John, you don't need to worry. Cassandra is doing quite well. It took a while but she's getting the hang of it, and frankly, I see a lot of potential! And I believe she's quite pleased as well. She told me I don't "bitch and whine" as much as her former teacher. I wonder who that was?

I'll send you another update in 2 days.

* * *

To: Jonas Marsden

From: John Pritkin

Subject: re: Pythia training

Jonas, it has been three days. I'd very much appreciate it if you would not forget to send me an update on the Cassie's progress – again- if there is any to speak of. When we agreed that you would be the one to help the Pythia to be ready before the coronation, I didn't think we were implying that you'd help her pick out a dress. It's a waste of time. And the dress is too revealing. Have her pick something else. Not with you. And not during training time!  
I expect to hear from you in 2 days.

* * *

To: John Pritkin

From: Jonas Marsden

Subject: re:re:re:re Pythia training

Oh dear, too revealing you say? I truly hadn't noticed. And I didn't realize you paid attention to such details . . .

* * *

To: Jonas Marsden

From: John Pritkin

Subject: re: re: re: re: re Pythia training

I believe I had asked for an update about Cassie's _skills_, Jonas. How is the spatial shifting going? Can she shift more than 5 times? Do I need to intensify her cardio work out?

* * *

To: John Pritkin

From: Jonas Marsden

Subject: re: re: re: re: re: re Pythia training

Was it too short? The skirt of the dress? Is that it?

* * *

To: Jonas Marsden

From: John Pritkin

Subject: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Pythia training

Progress, Jonas! I'd like to have an update of her progress!

* * *

To: John Pritkin

From: Jonas Marsden

Subject: re: re: re: re: re :re: re: Pythia training

Was it the neck line? Cassandra said it would be a sure hit with the vampires.

* * *

To: Jonas Marsden

From: John Pritkin

Subject: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Pythia training

Damnit Jonas! Do not waste my time! What did you teach her? What can she do? Did she learn how to consciously freeze time?  
I want her to be more confident.

* * *

To: John Pritkin

From: Jonas Marsden

Subject: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: re: Pythia training

Well, the dear did say "the slut gear" made her feel more secure as it would distract the attention if she were "making an ass of herself". Yes, I believe that's how she put it.

* * *

To: John Pritkin

From: Jonas Marsden

Subject: re: re: Pythia training

John? Five days gone and still no reply?


	16. Chapter 16

**And back to me!**

**

* * *

**To: John Pritkin

From: Cassie Palmer

Subject:Dress

What the Hell do you mean too revealing? Since when do you care what I wear? You've been acting really weird lately. And I have plenty of confidence, thank you very much!

* * *

To: Jonas Marsden

From: John Pritkin

Subject: Privacy

Have you been showing _all_ my emails to Cassie? Do you have any concept of privacy? What are you playing at, Jonas?

* * *

To: John Pritkin

From: Jonas Marsden

Subject: Cassie

You haven't contacted me in days John, what's going on? You're not still sulking over that little email incident with Cassie are you? Of course I didn't actually show them to her, I just told her you didn't like the dress and she demanded I explain. Perhaps that was a little out of order, but I didn't realize how serious things had got between the two of you. She was very upset. What happened to being impersonal and objective, John? I think we need to discuss this.

* * *

To: Jonas Marsden

From: John Pritkin

Subject: re: Cassie

I'm not sulking, Jonas, just busy. Security at the court in Washington is a nightmare, I've been run off my feet trying to get ready. And there's nothing to discuss. I'm just Cassie's bodyguard. All I do is protect her.

* * *

To: John Pritkin

From: Jonas Marsden

Subject: re: Cassie

Just her bodyguard? Come off it, John, tell the truth! You two train together, eat together and bicker like an old married couple. The only thing you don't do is sleep together!

* * *

To: John Pritkin

From: Jonas Marsden

Subject:re:Cassie

Do you ever check your email? Or are you just giving me the virtual cold shoulder again? What is it now, Mr. Touchy?

* * *

To: John Pritkin

From: Jonas Marsden

Subject:re:Cassie

Oh God! You are sleeping with her!

* * *

To: Jonas Marsden

From: John Pritkin

Subject: re: Cassie

Jonas, I AM BUSY! I don't really have a lot of time to write and I'm not giving you a virtual anything, except possibly a facepalm for behaving like a particularly moronic 16 year old girl! I am not, repeat NOT sleeping with Cassie, dammit!

* * *

To: John Pritkin

From: Jonas Marsden

Subject: re: Cassie

But you've kissed her?

* * *

To: Jonas Marsden

From: John Pritkin

Subject:re:Cassie

NO!

* * *

To: John Pritkin

From: Jonas Marsden

Subject:re:Cassie

Really? Methinks the lady doth protest to much. Give it up John, I saw you in my kitchen after the demons attacked.

* * *

To: Jonas Marsden

From: John Pritkin

Subject:re:Cassie

Alright, so we may have kissed, but that was it!

* * *

To: John Pritkin

From: Jonas Marsden

Subject:re:Cassie

You overuse exclamation marks when you lie, you know. Very transparant. Was there tongue?

* * *

To: Jonas Marsden

From: John Pritkin

Subject:re:Cassie

Jonas, you are the world's biggest pain in the arse.


	17. Chapter 17

To: John Pritkin

From: Jonas Marsden

Subject:re:Cassie

Ah, so there was. Are you sure that was it?

* * *

To: Jonas Marsden

From: John Pritkin

Subject:re:Cassie

YES! LEAVE ME ALONE!

* * *

To: John Pritkin

From: Jonas Marsden

Subject:re:Cassie

You're doing the exclamation mark thing again. So what was it? Did she give you head?

* * *

To: Jonas Marsden

From: John Pritkin

Subject:re:Cassie

No. She didn't. Stop being such an ass.

* * *

To: John Pritkin

From: Jonas Marsden

Subject:re:Cassie

You gave her head?

* * *

To: Jonas Marsden

From: John Pritkin

Subject:re:Cassie

**NO!**

* * *

To: John Pritkin

From: Jonas Marsden

Subject:re:Cassie

Oh, that definitely counts as sex. You idiot, do you have any idea what you're getting yourself tangled in? Even if she wasn't Pythia, the Senate are just gagging for an excuse

to knock you off, John! What were you thinking?

* * *

To: Jonas Marsden

From: John Pritkin

Subject:re:Cassie

What was _I_ thinking? So your tongue never slipped in that direction with Agnes?

* * *

To: John Pritkin

From: Jonas Marsden

Subject:re:Cassie

John! That's hardly fair!

* * *

To: Jonas Marsden

From: John Pritkin

Subject:re:Cassie

You mean it didn't? You selfish bastard!

* * *

To: John Pritkin

From: Jonas Marsden

Subject:re:Cassie

John, you're crossing a line.

* * *

To: Jonas Marsden

From: John Pritkin

Subject: re: Cassie

So are you! Piss off, for Christ's sake.


End file.
